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Domestic Violence is a pattern of abusive behaviors used to
establish power and control over an intimate partner often leading
to the threat or use of violence.
Abuse is any controlling hurtful act, word or gesture that injures
someone's body or emotions.
Domestic Abuse takes on many forms
Psychological abuse:
The abuser is always saying you are crazy, ugly and stupid to
make you feel bad; constantly embarrassing you and making you feel
ashamed.
Financial Abuse:
The abuser takes all your money, not allowing you to buy the
essential items you need.
Intimidation:
The abuser speaks to you in a condescending way; screams and
harasses you, using words such as “I will hurt or kill you”.
Social Abuse:
The abuser does not allow you to see your family or friends.
The abuser does not allow you to go shopping or be around other
people.
Stalking:
The abuser is always following you around, watching you while you
are in the your house, checking on your work in other places.
Sexual assault:
The abuser forces you to have unwanted sex.
The abuser makes you feel dirty and makes you watch pornography.
Jealousy:
In the beginning of a relationship, jealousy may seem like an
expression of love or concern. As time passes, however, jealousy
turns to entitlement and possession. This can include falsely
accusing you having sex with others. Jealous behavior begins to
isolate the victim, who may stop seeing friends, family, and
spiritual advisors in order to please the jealous partner.
Use of Violence:
Abusers may have a history of using force or violence to solve
problems. They may display a quick temper overreact to little
problems and frustrations of everyday life.
Throw objects; punch walls, are cruel to animals, and have a criminal
record for violence.
Substance abuse:
There is a strong link between violence, alcohol and drugs abuse
but these are separate issues and need to be dealt with separately.
The domestic abuser uses substance abuse as an excuse for offensive and
hurtful behavior. The substance abuse does not cause or excuse the
abusive behavior.
Rigid gender roles:
With this there is a sense of entitlement to be in charge in the
relationship. The abuser strongly subscribes to rigid, stereotypical
gender roles. Tradition, culture and religion are used to justify
abuse.
Weapons:
Availability of weapons or threatening to use them, increase the
risk of homicide and /or suicide. Note: The abuser may attempt to
disguise a threat to use a weapon, for example” cleaning” a weapon
during an argument.
Family History:
Children who grow up in abusive families may believe that
violence is normal behavior.
Domestic abuse affects people of all cultures, religions, ages,
sexual orientations, educational backgrounds and income levels.
Victims are frequently blamed by family, friends and coworkers, as
well as by their abusers.
“Why does she stay?” Is a common question. By blaming the
survivor we take the focus from the abuser, whose behavior goes
unchecked. In fact the community becomes an accomplice to the abuser,
completing the isolation and fear experienced by the survivor.
Factors that affect survivors making the decision to leave:
Fear:
The survivor realistically fears that the abuser will become more
violent and this may have lethal consequences if an attempt is made
to leave.
Isolation:
Because both the abuser and the survivor may have limited contact
with the outside world survivors may not be aware of community
resources like Safe Haven.
Finances:
The abuser may have limited educational and employment
opportunities, the desire to provide for children, credit
responsibilities, housing and transportation needs, place a heavy
burden on survivors.
Cultural, Social and Spiritual Values:
Family, Cultural and Spiritual values may have a strong influence
on a victim. If divorce is shameful to the family or the church
community disapproves of this, the survivor's decision to leave is much
more difficult and requires tremendous courage.
Love:
Abusive relationships are not violent all the time. Along with
the abuse there is a mix of good times, love and hope.
There are fond memories, emotional ties and commitments. Survivors
may not want the relationship to end, just the abuse.
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